Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
