My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
