Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
