I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
