Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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