My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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