You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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