Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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