so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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