I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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