your parents love me but you hate me
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
