The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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