My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize