Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
