you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Duck Duck Cougar?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
