Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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