We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
