He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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