3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
time to smoke my breakfast
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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