He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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