This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
