Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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