Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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