i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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