can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
