someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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