Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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