Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize