You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
