I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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