She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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