WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
