"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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