"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
