So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
