tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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