Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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