I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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