the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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