Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize