He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
