You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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