Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
