Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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