I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
