Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
