Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
