Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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