can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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