Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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