my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
