Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
