I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My life is pants optional.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
