Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
