You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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