My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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