a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
