Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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