Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
