hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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