You smell like a Billy Joel song
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
