the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
