I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
high people should be assigned attendants
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
