I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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