I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
